I Call It "Starsucks" Because I'm Excessively Witty

I went to Starbucks the other morning and on their board they had written, "Starbucks will save 60,000 trees this year with our recycled cups." They are now claiming credit for "saving" trees that they could have cut down to make their coffee cups--as if Starbucks C.E.O.s are walking through rainforests on a daily basis, spreading seeds and lying in front of bulldozers.

I like this new form of publicity: advertising what you could be doing, but aren't.

Starbucks will not be savagely raping ANY Kodiak bears this quarterly term, as we have christened 2006 "Say No To Sodomizing Bears" Year.

Also, Starbucks has made a solemn vow to our loyal customers that we will no longer hit our girlfriend... even though the bitch fucking deserves it.

Just Say "Maybe Later"

During the last week of finishing my thesis, I discovered that staying awake for more than 30 hours is surprisingly difficult for the human body, especially when that human body can't drink coffee because of goddamned stomach issues. (Green tea : coffee :: Billy Baldwin : Alec Baldwin.) So the topic of caffeine pills and adderall naturally came up. I decided I couldn't take either, especially adderall, because I am inheretly lazy and therefore likely to become addicted to something that made everything easier to do. Here is a little glipse into my future life if I started taking adderall...

Week One: "Man, I have to read like 100 pages of Marlowe by tomorrow. Better take some adderall."

Week Three: "Wow, this is a really complicated episode of Law and Order. I should take some adderall so I can follow it."

Week Five: "I wonder what why I don't remember my dreams in the morning. Maybe if I take some adderall before I go to sleep..."

Week Ten: "Have I taken an adderall today? I can't remember. Better take some adderall to focus."

Week Fifteen: "Where did I put my heroin? Taking some adderall sure would make me a more conscientious junkie..."

Unnecessary Dream Sequence

I had one of those dreams this morning when you think you've woken up and started to get ready for the day but you're really just dreaming that you're showering and brushing your teeth and eating breakfast.

The fact that I am not Rosie Perez should have been my first clue.

Amazing Tales From Mediocre Jobs

I have worked in various customer service jobs since I was 16. This means I receive all the respect and courtesy of your average, thieving crack whore, except I lose a fifth of my income to taxes.

Here are some true things people have said to me in these jobs--complaints, questions, or generally idiotic statements. For your reference, I have indicated my salary per hour for each job, so you can accurately assess how little I cared:

Food Prep and Taking Orders, Godfather's Pizza--$5.25/hr.

"Do onions come standard on every pizza?"

"I brought a can of corn. Will you put it on my pizza?"

"Last time I ordered a pizza you cut it into an odd number of slices. Can we make sure that doesn't happen again?"

"I don't know the address of the house I'm at. I'll just stand outside and wait for the delivery guy."

Sales Associate, Banana Republic--$6.20/hr

Woman in dressing room I have never seen before: "Can you see my breast-feeding pads through this shirt?"

Strange Man in Dressing Room: "These pants are kind of tight in my penis area."
Me: "Would you like me to get you a bigger size?"
Strange Man: "No. I'm pretty sure I'll always have that problem."

"I was just wondering... what is your policy on theft?"

"This shirt should really come in red, too."

Front Desk Staff, YMCA--$8/hr.

"The parking garage underneath the building should be larger. It needs a whole other level in it."

"I paid for my daughter to take swimming classes these last two months, but we forgot and never came. I want my money back."

"Some of the other women in the ladies locker room are too naked for too long."

"The soap in the bathroom doesn't suds enough."

Child Care, YMCA--$8/hr

"My child is only 1 and a half but I'm trying to potty train him early. You'll need to ask him if he needs to use the bathroom about once every five minutes, and sometimes he'll say no when he means yes."

"My daughter is throwing a tantrum? Well that's probably because you put her in a time-out for throwing blocks at the other kids."

Pro Shop Staff, Georgetown Country Club--$9/hr

"The golf course is overly maintained." [This was a complaint.]

"OK, remember my face because I don't want to have to show you my membership card again."

"Can you make sure my child buys only healthy snacks with the money I give him for the pool?"

"Is there something you can do about all the children around here today?"

Blogcabulary

I am fascinated with this new trend of incorporating "blog" into other words to make new terms. I learned the word "moblog" this morning, which apparently means a blog that you can download on your cell phone. There's also blawg (a blog about the law), blaudience, and blogosphere.

Here's a little bit of what we have to look forward to:

Blired: (adj.) having been let go from your place of employment due to excessive blog-checking.

Blogsessed: (adj.) characterized by an inability to visit your ex's blog less than fifty times a day.

Blego: (n.) the belief that people care about your blog as much as you do.

Blogstracted: (adj.) completely unable to focus on more pertinent matters because of ever-present internet access.

EX: Mary's take-home midterm on Renaissance poetry is due in two hours but, tragically, she is too blogstracted to finish it.

Blaux pas: (n.) a social blunder made via blogging.

Ablortion: (n.) the morning-after deletion of a blog post you mistakenly made when you were young and drunk.

Miracle Shmiracle (Easter Edition)

In the Bible, the first miracle Jesus ever performed was changing the water into wine at the wedding at Canaan. This is when people started to listen to him and believe that he was the son of God.

Funny how doing the opposite wouldn't have been as impressive. Had Jesus changed wine into water, people wouldn't be calling him "Our Lord and Savior." He'd just be that asshole that ruined the wedding.

Mother, Dearest

Words My Mother Has Used In The Past Year With Complete Sincerity:

Crib
Digs
Sharp
Nigga, please!

(Ok, I made up that last one.)

I Notice Irony

Blogger.com's spell checker does not recognize the word "blog."

How self-loathing.

Don't Be Jealous, Myspace

Well, here is my first post in my shiny new blog. I wish I could say this was my first time blogging, but I did a little experimenting in college. But I swear, baby, those other times meant nothing to me.

I have no idea what this blog will be. Hopefully funny. Probably updated often. Definitely random.

Here goes it.