I Call It "Starsucks" Because I'm Excessively Witty

I went to Starbucks the other morning and on their board they had written, "Starbucks will save 60,000 trees this year with our recycled cups." They are now claiming credit for "saving" trees that they could have cut down to make their coffee cups--as if Starbucks C.E.O.s are walking through rainforests on a daily basis, spreading seeds and lying in front of bulldozers.

I like this new form of publicity: advertising what you could be doing, but aren't.

Starbucks will not be savagely raping ANY Kodiak bears this quarterly term, as we have christened 2006 "Say No To Sodomizing Bears" Year.

Also, Starbucks has made a solemn vow to our loyal customers that we will no longer hit our girlfriend... even though the bitch fucking deserves it.